CigarTop's Top Cigars

After twenty years of long, hard cigar-sex experience I have finally settled on The Top's Top six cigars. Scored on flavour, looks and - most importantly - practicality, these hand-rolled hard-ons are the leaders in the pack, guaranteed to enhance your ego as you enjoy a slow skullfukk, hard ass-rape or a cigar-worshipper tonguing some large-gauge cigar ash off your boots. Or for simply braggin' with your buds at the bar, this is the Top Six for Top Sex:...

Number 6: Cohiba Genios



A tough-guy smoke for the experienced cigarman, these bootblack cigars give a buzz like a pistol-whip to the head, definitely a smoke to show-off with to your buds. Only the greediest cigar-slaves will manage your high-octane smoke and ash.

With their distinctive checker-board tubes sticking out of your Langlitz badge pocket, this Cuban contraband certainly shows you know your stuff - definitely a hard-man's 'gar. (Heard a Harley-rider would keep a Cohiba tube up his pillion-bitch's ass to keep it the right temperature for smoking. His boi would have to fish it out in the bar, after it had raped his prostate with every bump in the road.)

Number 5: Hoyo de Monterey Excalibur



A fine, smooth premium smoke, but readily available, with a high quality filler, and classy all-round appeal and recognisable band. Big enough to show who's the boss, but not too slow a burner. Incidentally, the first cigar I tried in a bar, given to me by a CHiP cop, so it's gotta be good. Popular with higher-ranking LEO's and Highway Patrol for cigar-breaks on the bike in a lay-by, and good for long fukking sessions (maybe at the same time!). Does not produce too much ash, so a quick flick - and back to action.

Number 4: Casablanca Magnum Maduro


Perhaps the most versatile cigar for the leatherman. Acceptable girth/gauge, leather-dark wrapper, plausible cock-length and strong but enjoyable flavour, with a lot of eye-catching smoke. Requires constant puffs and the occasional relight, nothing too much to distract from sex. With a 25-30 minute life, it's good for standing 'round braggin' with your buds with a cocksucker smokin' your dick while you shoot a quick load, without holding you back from your next vic. Too short for smoke-play - you wanna keep this sweet smoke to yourself.
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Number 3: Martinez Bazuka: El Monstruo 140


The Schwarzenegger smoke. This is a cigar on 'roids. Definitely one for showin' off at Smokeout, the Faultline patio, NYC Eagle roof, IGNITE at The Maxxx, or the Backstreet (London) Smoking Yard, even outside The Hoist (London) for the very arrogant. A big smoke for big men, requiring a month's bicep curls to build the strength to lift it - hell, lighting it takes the strength of two men and two or three matches at once! A small forest fire in itself, fire this big boi up and watch the smoke clear a space, leaving just the cigarworshippers behind. This jawbreaking, pumped-cock of a cigar is the perfect smoke for suffocating cigarslaves - though still a very high quality filler. Make 'em inhale and watch that fukka splutta...

Number 2: Casablanca Jeroboam Maduro



The Leatherman favourite, this classic cigar demands attention and an investment in time, it's cut 10 inches pack a smokey, macho gut-punch, with plenty of ash for any ash-pig to guzzle - my favourite for dropping a glowing ember from its long shaft into a kneeling pig. Good for mask work, complimenting a fine whisky in the Mess, and generally looking good, this Officer-class favourite is THE great all-rounder. (The boxes are handy too for keeping cash-slave money in too!).


Number 1: Martinez Bazuka 85

This cigar ticks every box, and the most sexually versatile smoke - although it's definitely a Top! With enough girth and length to satisfy for a whole night, this cigar can be savoured in the mouth with room to breath and grunt, leaving you hands free to hold a cold one AND a subskull, ass, leash, gasmask, etc. All the machismo of its bigger 'roided brother, but with brains and usefulness too. With two or three of these muthas stickin' out a ya Langlitz badge pocket, you WILL get the admiration of your buds and every cigarpig kneeling at your Dehners for some ash.








SARGE WOLF ON CELLBLOCK DUTY DESK.