Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Psychological qualification

The last thing Commander "CHIEF" (or plain Officer Steve Schulz) did before being "retired" from his short-lived SFPD LEO Commission was to "acquire" as much intel as possible on his Captain and fellow officers for future "protection". But the one file he was MOST interested in getting his hands on was his own psych assessment from the Staff Medical Officer, as it was allegedly on the grounds of CHIEF's psychological profile that he was summarily dismissed.

The contents of the report would have shocked, or at least embarrased any normal civilian, but, classic ALPHA that he is, CHIEF took the diagnosis as one long compliment. Any complaints he saw as the "mealy-mouthed jealousies of lesser men, not prepared to man-up, grow a pair and take what is theirs from a society that belongs to REAL men like him".

The full Medical report made for interesting reading....

San Francisco Police Department

Former Officer S Schulz

Height: 6'2"
Weight: 234 pounds

Medical History:

Officer's Schulz's blood test showed highly elevated levels of synthetic testosterone, creatine, HGH and ephedrine levels, evidence of prolonged steroid and other performance enhancement drug abuse. Schulz's overtly muscular and lean physical appearance supports this diagnosis.

Also noted Schulz to be a heavy cigar smoker with a high alcohol in-take level.

"Great", thought CHIEF, relieved "that last stack FLEX's Russian supplier got was the real deal" .

CHIEF turned the page to the rest of the report.

Psychological Assessment

F O Schulz presents an alarmingly high number of (8+) diagnostic criteria indicative, on Kohut's definition scale, of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (1968), as follows:

(1) Has a GRANDIOSE SENSE OF SELF-IMPORTANCE (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, EXPECTS TO BE RECOGNIZED AS SUPERIOR without commensurate achievements) 

(2) Is preoccupied with FANTASIES OF UNLIMITED SUCCESS, POWER, BRILLIANCE, beauty, or ideal love 

(3) Believes that he is "SPECIAL" and UNIQUE and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other SPECIAL OR HIGH-STUS PEOPLE (or institutions) 


(5) Has a SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or AUTOMATIC COMPLIANCE WITH HIS [...] EXPECTATIONS 

(6) Is INTERPERSONALLY EXPLOITIVE, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends 

(7) LACKS EMPATHY: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others 



(Reprinted with permission from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth Edition. Copyright 1994 American Psychiatric Association)

Reading the report in the gym, CHIEF nodded in agreement with every point. He honestly couldn't see what was the problem. Hell, they were all compliments weren't they - what REAL men do?

"Hey FLEX, take a look and see why them pussies think I was a BAD COP."

The German slowly read the English, shrugging at most points, and then guffawing loudly at the last one. "But that is gut, no?" "You are a BAD Narcissismus," he laughed, as CHIEF comicly twisted his flexed arm at the German pro, and kissed his guns.

CHIEF adjusted his crotch and then barked: "Narcissisus THIS bro," as he pumped out a massive veined crab at FLEX grinning in the posing mirror behind.

Hey bud, do me a favour - take a shot of this" CHIEF brayed, as he held up the report and flexed his 20 inches in front of it smiling as he pointed at the damning report.

"Fukkin HILARIOUS, man" FLEX chortled taking the pic on his cell.

CHIEF framed the pic and the psych report, giving them pride of place on the wall above his desk, next to his SFPD Passing Out picture.

CHIEF even dubbed his growing posse the SF"N"PDs.. When he became Commander CHIEF would test Staff Sergeants, to check that they would "fail", -i.e. pass the psych test....


1 comment:

  1. Laughed out loud, WOLF. Keep 'em comming!